Five Words That Don’t Exist

I am not talking about words that people know are made up or are pop culture words, or that exist only in the Urban Dictionary. I am talking about words people say, even educated people, that they think are real words. THEY’RE NOT. Note: this will not be a list of words that have already made their rounds on the worldwide web, such as “irregardless,” a word I’ve known not to be a real word since I was about 5 years old. No, this will be a semi-unique list – I say semi-unique, because these just came off the top of my head – I didn’t do a google search to see if/what other people have said about these words because I don’t give a bat’s vajayjay what other people are saying/doing. Anyhow, here are my 5 words that don’t exist.

1) Laxadaisical – here is a word that I hear athletes and sports announcers say ad nauseum. “Cam Newton was very laxadaisical on that play.” The word lackadaisical is the one you mean to say, which means lacking enthusiasm and determination. “Lax” means not strictly enforced or adhered to. “A lax attitude toward the dress code.” Lax and lackadaisical must exist as separate words, and never the twain shall meet.

2) Pansywaist – Again this word is obtained through combining two words that should not be combined – this time, Pansy and Pantywaist. While these words essentially mean the same thing, that does not mean they belong in a word together. Asscrack and bunghole essentially mean the same thing, but nobody calls it their “assbungcrackhole,” do they? And if they do, they should be shot.

3) Donut – THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A DONUT! The word is “doughnut!” The word donut was created when Dunkin’ Donuts decided to change the way it is spelled for the name of their restaurant. Now I go into a supermarket and every generic fuck company is selling “donuts.” “Fresh lemon donuts.” You do NOT sell donuts! Not even Dunkin Donuts sells donuts! That’s right! If you are in Dunkin’ Donuts, and you’re eating a bavarian cream or bismarck, you’re eating a fucking doughnut, but you’re eating it at Dunkin Donuts, got that? It’s the same thing with Krispy Kreme. I know I am assuming a lot here, but I’m fairly sure most people recognize that Crispy is not spelled with a K and Kreme would actually be spelled cream if they didn’t intentionally misspell it to name their restaurant. But if you’re in Krispy Kreme and eating a donut with non-jelly type filling in it? It’s cream, not kreme. FUCK YOU!

4) Toilet Trees – This is one that bothers the shit out of me the way people say it. They emphasize the second t in the word “toiletry,” and enunicate the word as if there is a third t in it, right after the second. Like there’s a tree that sprouts fucking bathroom fixtures in the spring. There is no such thing as a toilet tree (notwithstanding silly humorous offerings from the French, such as this image below)                                                  Say it with me : TOY – LEH – TREE.

Image result for toilet trees

5) Should Of – and this goes along with must of, would of, etc. “I should of gotten some ice cream.” “You must of been really tired.” There is no verb tense using the word “of.” It’s “should have,” “would have, ” and “must have.” It’s called the conditional perfect tense, and by using the word of, you show how laxadaisical your participation in high school English class must of been, you fucking donut eating pansywaist.

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