The injustices in the world are many: The need to point out that Black lives matter is among the biggest; surely all lives matter, but since Black ones seem to be taken unnecessarily in unually large proportions compared to other lives, this phrase we must continue to chant. Denying a person a basic human right like the freedom to marry whatever person one chooses, regardless of sexual orientation, is a right still denied to some by a great many states. Many countries would put to death anyone who identifies him or herself as being same-sex oriented. Many of us have been fat shamed, slut shamed, sticking-fingers-up-our-ass shamed (don’t judge) with scars from these insults that have yet to heal. Whatever of the aforementioned injustices have been foisted upon you, none of them are universal, which makes many of them subject to conflict and controversy. Today, I’m here to discuss ten injustices that we all, at one time or another, have faced or will face, whose consequences impact us either directly or indirectly, and why they are long overdue for elimination.
1) Bank Overdraft fees – I’m not talking about the ones that you get charged with if your dumbass bounces a check. You bounce the check, you deserve penalties for being a huge dipshit. But the person to whom you gave the check – why on earth are THEY being penalized? Because a dumbass owes them money? Chances are they don’t even know what an imbecile you are, but if I try to deposit a check written by a shithead who can’t keep their finances in order, I am subjected to penalties. That makes NO SENSE! It’s bad enough that checks even exist today. Thanks to technology, actual checks should be a thing of the past, but people are clinging to them. They should do away with checks and require everyone to have paypal accounts. Then nobody would get to bounce a check because if the funds weren’t available, one simply could not complete the transaction. But I digress. When I deposit a check drawn from the bank account of an obvious asshat into my bank account, then there are two victims; the bank and I. One difference: one of us had hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions of dollars in assets, and one of us has an account with a few thou in it. So why am I getting shaken down for $25 for something that is no more my fault than theirs? Fuck you, banks! We didn’t bail your asses out so you could violate ours!
2) Mailing Boxes – I’m not talking about the ones you bring to the post office. I am talking about the ones designed by the USPS. I want to send something that weighs 1 lb and 13 oz. By the time I put it in their mailing box it weighs closer to 3 lbs! Why the hell am I paying to send THEIR box? The weight of their box should be subtracted from the total cost of postage. If i use my own box, then I pay the total. To me, this is like when Chozen from the karate Kid II used weights to overcharge people for food – the USPS does this with their boxes. How the hell do I know they didn’t use materials that would intentionally raise the weight of the package? You make it look like you’re doing me a favor by giving me a free box when what you’re actually doing is fucking me with that box! And that is not the type of “box” I prefer to be fucked by, thank you very much!
3) Electronic Résumés/Online Job Applications – Here’s something that has always annoyed the shit out of me. You fill out a job application online. They ask for your résumé, so you upload it. Then they proceed to ask you to list every job you have ever had starting with the most recent. Hey fuckstick, look at the Goddam résumé I just uploaded, will you? Either you get the résumé or I list the jobs I’ve held. Why the fuck do you require both? Why do these buttplugs have to waste my fucking time?
4) 10% penalty for early withdrawal – Sometimes you just need to grab a distribution out of your retirement. Obviously you need to do this because YOU’RE NOT RICH. So why would the US government compound the problem by making you pay a penalty? What a fucking fucking load of SHIT! Even worse, they act like you inconvenienced them by taking the distribution. Yeah you didn’t get to collect taxes then, but you’re collecting them now! Back the fuck up, you fucking fucker fucks!
5) MP3 downloads that you pay for – I’m not saying they should be free. To the contrary, everyone should pay for their music, and the fact that people continue to steal music is a huge injustice in itself. But one of the defining features of mp3 downloads is the freedom to choose to download one particular song. That means if I want to buy music, especially a song that is not released as a hit (and would have not been available as a “cassingle” in the old days), I am no longer required to purchase the entire album, thereby paying for all of the shitty filler songs an artist puts on there to make it look like they have more talent than to come up with more than 3 decent songs every 5 or so years. Yet, there are still some “gotchas” in this business. For instance, I wanted to download the third version of Adam Sandler’s Chanukah song. I am more than willing to pay the $.99 to $1.29 that one would expect to pay for a song such as this. However, if you go to the site at Amazon where this album exists, you will see that if you want to buy either of the Chanukah songs part III, the movie or the radio version, you need to buy the entire album. It is likely the record label or the people who hold the movie rights/soundtrack rights that made this request – not Amazon – but what it implies pisses me off. They know, THEY KNOW that the rest of the music on that album is utter trash and not remotely worth the money they are asking, but in order to buy the one or two songs you want, they’re going to MAKE you buy them all! And I know you’re going to tell me just to go buy it from iTunes, but I’ve been fucked over enough by that Goddam DRM bullshit such that I will never buy an iTunes song or anything with DRM on it ever again. I understand why it exists, but having lost hundreds of dollars in MP3 purchases due to the Microsoft Music clusterfuck of 2008, I’ll sooner steal a song than pay for one with DRM. Fuck DRM and fuck your shitty filler music.
6) Customer Service – Here’s something that is a huge injustice to everyone – the fact that customer service exists. Not for the reasons you would expect, that it sucks, you never get the answers you want, etc. To me, customer service exists to shield the execs who make the shitty decisions from having to hear directly from customers. They change terms of service or make decisions that degrade the quality of service, and then someone who has no influence on these decisions whatsoever has to field the angry phone calls and satisfy the customer and block the people with the power from ever having to hear from someone. This is about as dysfunctional as it gets.
7) Surveys – here’s another thing that’s really getting on my nerves. Having to take a survey after every goddam thing I do. If I Call customer service, If I have someone do maintenance on my car, if I eat at a restaurant, if I visit the doctor – I will soon be on the receiving end of a survey, either by phone, email, or in my mailbox. Heck, I can’t even jerk off anymore without somebody calling to ask me to do a survey. “What inspired you to self-gratify?” “Did you come?” “If so, how long did it take you?” “Who did you think about?” Seriously ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING SURVEYS. Maybe instead of asking me about the performance of somebody making $9.00 an hour, you should be asking me how you fuckholes in charge could make the world a better place.
8) BMI – I’ll tell you what has my knickers in a twist over BMI – it’s the fact that it was never designed as a tool to judge any individual’s weight, that it does not distinguish between males and females who have very different body composition necessities, and its simple formula, 703 multiplied by the quantity height divided by weight squared, doesn’t take any other factors, such as muscle mass, size of frame/build, or bone thickness, into account. According to Timothy Church, a professor of health at Pennington Biomedical Research Center, the formula was originally intended to measure the collective weight of an entire population, but because of its straightforward math and distinctive categories (i.e., if you score a 25 on the BMI scale, you’re overweight), it took off. (Men’s Health, 2010.) If you knew me or if I posted a picture of me, we could both agree I could lose a few pounds. Who couldn’t? But I certainly do not look like the poster boy for “obesity.” Yet according to this BMI, I could lose another 10 lbs. AND STILL BE OBESE. Studies repeatedly show how the BMI is flawed, yet many institutions are still using this BMI as if it actually means something to an individual. For instance, if you want to set your goal weight at weight watchers, they will use BMI to determine it, as if this BMI is the Goddam book of revelations, EVEN IF THAT WEIGHT IS UNATTAINABLE OR UNMAINTAINABLE. They are inflexible regarding your BMI to the point where if you want to be a WW Leader, you cannot be more than 2 lbs. over the BMI that corresponds to putting you in the “overweight” category. That’s right, the lowest you are allowed to set your goal is the tail end of the “normal” category, a BMI of 24. I once heard someone say, “Yeah but BMI for a normal person is 18-24, so there is a wide range of acceptable weights that are considered normal. Ummm, not even close. Remember that picture of me? Forget about that. Let’s look at someone who should not lose any weight at all. For a frame of reference of how fucked up this kind of thinking is, look at Le’Veon Bell, running back for the Pittsburgh Steelers. He is 6’1” and 244 lbs. of rock solid muscle. He has a BMI of 32.2, which is higher than mine. According to this extremely flawed method, he is OBESE – but he would be remiss to lose any weight at all!! Most of us are not, however, built like Le’Veon Bell, and I have seen people give themselves a few extra inches in height to get a little wiggle room with their goal weight at Weight Watchers. They should NOT have to do that, and if you’re going to pay these pricks $40+ a month so that YOU can do all the work, the least THEY could do is use a more scientific method to arrive at your fucking goal weight. Speaking of unscientific methods, my wife’s company offers discounts against the deductible portion of the health plan if you meet/exceed certain established health guidelines, and one of the metrics is a BMI below 30. (editor’s note: this no longer one of the metrics counted in the deductible as of the plan year 2018.) Are most of us normal folk who are not professional athletes or bodybuilders better off with a BMI below 30? Perhaps yes, but for just the simple fact that a company whose primary objective is the betterment of life through science using a completely unscientific formula has me at a loss. Just because it has a mathematical formula doesn’t mean the formula is worth a shit. Mathematics is the language of science. This is unscientific, therefore the math doesn’t mean anything. I could make up a formula called the jizz-taste factor, which is based on your daily consumption of foods and nutrients as follows: (# ounces red meat * # grams simple carbohydrates) / (sqrt(#fat grams) – #oz celery). The higher a score, the better tasting jizz you have at that moment, with an ATS (Average Taste Score) being about 100. So yesterday’s jizz factor would be (15 * 16) / sqrt (81) – 3 = 240/6 = 40. Whew, good thing nobody blew me yesterday because my jizz woulda been quite bitter! Aside from perhaps humor-based value, does the formula mean a goddam thing? No, not a goddam thing. The BMI formula is the same way. IT MEANS NOT A GODDAM THING, SO STOP FUCKING USING IT, YOU FUCKBASKETS!!!
9) Low-fat everything – Speaking of obesity, the research on this is extremely clear – carb control is a more effective deterrent to obesity than is a low-fat diet. Yet the low-carb offerings on products are still very scant. Try travelling to the west coast to the east coast with a layover and try to get something to eat at the airport in question. There is NOTHING for you unless you buy a) a salad, or b) a hamburger from a fast food joint and throw away the buns. Where the fuck are the low-carb options? Let’s just admit that there is no money in carb control, that is why low-fat is still a huge seller and low-carb is not. You can make shit with low-fat and add a ton of sugar to make it taste good cheaply. But if you want something like pasta or garlic bread, you’re shit outta luck. They can make these things low carb, but if they don’t taste like my rectal cavity they will be too expensive to make. With what we know about sugar and refined carbohydrates, however, if the goal is truly better health for everyone, why are there no food scientists finding a way to make food with low-carb flour such as almond and coconut flour or CarbQuik brand “carbalose” flour? Either the public is still not sufficiently educated about carbs, they don’t care, or it costs too much money. Either way, you thundercocks had best start making some better tasting carb-controlled shit, or I’ll drop a deuce on your Ruby Tuesday salad bar.
10) School testing formula – I may seem late to the party on this, but with all the testing bullshit happening these days, I thought I would express one of the big reasons why I felt I could no longer go on as a public school teacher. “They tell the school I work for that if x# students don’t pass the state test then my school will be considered a failing school – EVEN IF SOME OF THE STUDENTS JUST STARTED THERE. They actually count students against the school that have been there even less than a week! You mean to tell me that if this kid learns (or fails to learn) math for 9/10 years from another school, then comes to my school and fucks everything up, that counts against my school? In what universe is this fair? Putting aside the adequate yearly progress crapola, there’s another federal initiative aimed at improving public education. If your child struggles in reading or math you may have heard of it – it is called “Response to Intervention,” abbreviated “RtI.” The idea behind this is that 80% of students can learn enough to read an do math at least at a proficient level by following best practices in the classroom. The other 20% require some intervention to stay on grade level. They get “pulled out” of classes deemed less important (it is up to the school district to decide.) Students that are behind but close to the upper 80% get what is called a “tier 2 intervention.” That means, in small groups of 2 or 3, students are given additional reading and/or math instruction intended to help them catch up. Students who are really far from grade level get a tier 3 intervention, which is one-on-one reading and/or math support. Ingrained in the RtI program is a timeline under which students who are behind in these skills can realistically expect to be caught up. You would be amazed to know that a 10th grade student who reads at a 3rd grade level will NEVER, with RtI alone be on the proper level throughout his or her high school career. RtI can expect to get this student to a fourth grade level of reading by the time the student finishes 10th grade. A reasonable expectation is a small percentage (which is far better than nothing at all) increase in ability than with no intervention. The federal government, who sponsors this initiative, knows this. How is it then, they can hold a school responsible for one such student if they transferred into the school on the year they are expected to take this test, knowing that the previous school left them at a 3rd grade reading level? These are two government-sponsored and completely contradictory initiatives. They know full well a student can’t go from a third grade reading level to a tenth grade reading level in a year, yet they’re going to fuck the school in the ass for not being able to move such a student up 7 reading levels in 3 weeks! And for those precious institutions who are basing part of the teachers’ salaries on these tests, now the teacher gets it up the Cadbury canal because they were unlucky enough to have lost the student placement lottery – the person who has to get the student to pass the exams that the federal government knows full well that they cannot pass will be blamed on the teacher. Let’s make teachers eat some MORE shit, because god knows they don’t have enough to eat these days. Fuck you, fuck schools, fuck teaching, and fuck the governments who fucking make these fuckface fucknugget fuckedfuck laws designed by fuckcheeses who have no professional experience in teaching WHATSOEVER. If it wasn’t for bullshit like this, I might still be teaching today. Thank you, teaching profession for depriving my would-be students of a world class education, not to mention a teacher who always uses professional language.