Way back toward the beginning of the worldwide web, before facebook, myspace, twitter, pinterest, instagram, imgur, tumblr, flickr, and even google, way before “social media” was even “a thing*”, there was a website called rugboy.com. It was a pretty good website for what it was in the day. In 1997 I taught myself .html and built this website from scratch, learning new things every day to make the site better. One of my favorite parts of the website was called “editorials,” which would translate to “blog” under today’s social media terms. 4 of those editorials (there are almost 59 today) were called “Expressions I tire of” where I wrote about how annoyed I was getting at some of the things people were saying.
As much of the website wasn’t appropriate for dinner conversation, eventually I stopped updating it due to getting married, becoming a father, and changing my career to teacher. But one thing remained – I still like writing. At the peak of rugboy.com, with an Alexa rating just under 10,000 at one point, the best reactions to my writings always came when I posted one of the “expressions I tire of” rants. With the advent of social media, there is no shortage of annoyances to write about. So, here I offer a list of expressions I tire of – the return!
“This is wrong on SO many levels.” When I hear some cockdrop say this shit now, I usually retort with, “Oh yeah? Which levels? Name them.” And of course this moron can’t name the levels because unless you’re a musician or an elevator operator, there are no levels. It is a meaningless expression that makes you look like a fucking twit. Fuck you and your levels.
“What the actual fuck?” The actual fuck, really? I’m not sure why fuck needs a modifier in this can since it is a nonsense expression anyway, but are we supposedly adding an increased element of shock to this expression by putting the word “actual” in there? Or do I need someone to differentiate for me which fucks are actual and which ones might be, hypothetical? No I don’t, because all fucks are hypothetical. When someone actually gives a fuck it’s not like they reach into their pocket and offer you one. “Hey, here’s a fuck to show you that I care.” I know it’s just an expression, but people have actually started quantifying fucks. “I have exactly zero fucks to give.” I’ll give you that, but you have exactly one fuck to be, and that is the fuck you are. So fuck you!
“If ______________________ wins the election, I’m moving out of the country.” Who the FUCK do you think will miss you? Nobody! Just go! These self-important donkey-turds actually have the conceit to think that their presence in this country adds to its value. It doesn’t! And if you are so stupid to think that ______________________ winning the election is going to make a bit of difference, then you’re an idiot and you NEED to go! Stop making empty threats, you know you’re not going to leave, you would never do this country such a favor, so why don’t you just shut the fuck up and go about your daily business of being an asshat. One more thing, in case you do leave, please don’t go to Canada. Those are nice people and they don’t need you bring their country down with the conditional nature of your lackluster citizenship.
And I swear to GOD I am going to stab the next person who misuses the word, “myself,” right in the fucking throat! When are you people going to start using this word correctly?!?! The only time I should ever see/hear the word “myself” or “yourself” in a sentence is when that sentence contains both a subject and an object and both are the same person/thing! I would be the subject and the word “myself” would represent the object. [side-note: any shitloaf about to chime in on indirect object predicates or any bullshit like that is going to get donkey- punched. I am not talking about going in-depth into analysis of the English language. I am talking about a very simple English construct that when used improperly makes you look like a fuckstump!] So, you cannot do anything to myself, but you can do shit to me. I’m not going to bring something to “yourself,” I’m going to bring it to YOU! Only you can do shit to yourself. Just think of the Joan Jett & the Blackhearts song: I [subject] hate myself [object] for loving you [asshole]. See? it is very simple! “Cocklips, Buttstorch, Cuntnose, and Yourself” are not going to the parade. Cocklips, Buttstorch, Cuntnose, and YOU are going. One time the CFO of a company I worked for had hired someone. He said in an email, “Jim will be a direct report to myself.” No he won’t! Jim will be a human being, not a direct report! You dipshit! What you should say is, “Jim will report directly to me!” How does a person get to be a CFO and sound like such a fucking idiot? If you don’t understand why this is such an abomination, next time you want your mate to get it on with you, lay on the bed and say, “Fuck myself! Fuck myself!!” Don’t be surprised if they think you want them to leave so you can masturbate. I fuck myself, you fuck yourself, and together, we fuck ourselves (or each other.) Got that? Good. Go fuck yourself.
And while I am on a grammar crusade, let’s talk about the word “historic” and how it starts with a consonant. That’s right, sports announcers, I’m talking about how the game where Peyton Manning broke the yardage and touchdown records was not “an astoric.” game, it was a historic game. Bob Costas says this all the time. Didn’t somebody teach this schmuck and his colleages anything about grammar? Well, COULD YOU, PLEASE?! Unless the h is silent, which it is not, the indefinite article you are supposed to use in front of a word that starts with a consonant is a. This is basic, simple, third-grade grammar. If you can’t master it, GET THE FUCK OFF THE AIRWAVES! You are an hass-toric assnugget!
Here’s an expression that has been bothering me for years. X is the new Y . This is the new that . “I can’t believe I just turned 40.” And then some douche chimes in with “Well, 40 is the new 30.” No it isn’t. 40 isn’t the new anything. Shut the fuck up. Now there is some stupid ass TV show called “Orange is the new Black.” Of course everyone keeps telling me I should see it. Fuck that shit. Maybe when they change the title. Yes I know it is a prison dramady (another word I am going to defenestrate someone for saying) referring to the orange jumpsuit. You know what orange is? A great fucking color unless you’re in prison. Then it licks spiky-haired porcupine balls. It’s not the new black. Shut the fuck up. Your ass is the new black. Hey, you know what? “I really care what you have to say” is the new “shut the fuck up.” Unfortunately, “shut the fuck up” is still the old “shut the fuck up” so I guess you know what you have to do. Why don’t you go over to those anti-gay fucknuts and tell them that buttcrack is the new vagina. Maybe they’ll even buy it.
*“Is that a thing?” Ooooooh, this is really getting under my skin.”My wife is going to look at some Vaginal tapestries.” “Vaginal Tapestries, is that a thing?” No, cockwomble, first of all, THOSE are thingS! Secondly, what the fuck did you fail first grade? Here’s a quick flowchart to determine if it’s a “thing.”
“So, THAT happened.” Unfortunately, so did your existence.
And for God’s sake, learn to pronounce peoples’ names correctly! Newsflash to EVERYONE: Ralph Lauren is not related to Sophia Loren! Sophia’s last name is pronounced Luh-REN and Ralph’s last name is LAW-ren, just like the lady’s first name!! Really, how difficult is it to know that? And speaking of Ralph, fuck you Ralph Fiennes! Fuck you because I don’t like how you pronounce your own first name. Your last name is a personal thing and you can pronounce it however you want. If you want it to rhyme with Heinz, good. If you want it to be pronounced FEE-nis, that’s cool, too. If you want it to rhyme with Viennas, great. But your first name? Sorry, it is pronounced Ralf. Not Rafe. You want to be called Rafe? R-A-F-E you lymie prick! There’s a list of names to choose from, you don’t just go changing the pronunciation. My baby is named David, but we pronounce it, “Dipshit.” How’s that? No, fuck you, you can’t go changing the pronunciation of accepted names and then give people shit for mispronouncing it. Fuck you! One more thing about this – when Barack Obama was running for his first term as president, there was a ridiculous slew of people on the news mispronouncing his name. So many stupid fucking people – how hard is it to say a two-syllable name? One lady called him “Baraka Obama.” Baraka? really? So are we electing a president or voting for our favorite character from the Mortal Kombat universe? Shithead.
Hashtag abuse. This is getting ridiculous. Hashtag is a twitter construct, used to join tweets by a commonly trending subject. It is really annoying when people post it on Facebook WHERE IT DOESN’T EVEN SERVE THE INTENDED PURPOSE! But even worse than that, people are running around saying “hashtag __________” as if it’s going to trend in everybody’s head all day. “hashtag Iownyourass!” #gofuckyourself ok? Anyone older than twelve who says this in front of me is going to be submerged in #hashbrowns until they shit potatoes. Where it is even more annoying is when shows such as “Last Comic Standing” hear something “trendable,” so it appears on the show while the comedian is doing his/her schtick. Said one comedienne, “TELL IT TO MY BALLS!” and guess what appears right below her on the screen? #tellittomyballs. It reminds me of when Rachel McAdams’ Regina George character tells Lacey Chabert’s Gretchen Wieners in the movie Mean Girls, “STOP TRYING TO MAKE FETCH HAPPEN!” A trend should occur naturally. #tellittomyballs should trend because a large number of people found it funny, not because the LCS producers decided to make it “happen.” And of course you fucking people have to just be sheep and do what they want you to do, don’t you? STOP ABUSING HASHTAGS!!
Once again, I’m not targeting anyone specific for this rant, but if #theshoefits, then yourself shouldn’t give an actual fuck on so many levels if a asshole named Rafe is the new Ralph as long as its a thing that Baraka Clinton doesn’t win the election, lest you vacate the country.