Here we go again. More annoying verbal/imagery feces from the beauty of social media against which I must rebel. This one, however, is aimed at four major social media outlets. I do realize there will be some people in my friends list who do this: please don’t take any of it personally! If I haven’t named you by name, you may not be (and probably aren’t) the only one(s) who do(es) this. Laugh it off and get on with your life. For any of my more recently added friends who may have never read any of my shit, keep your kids away from the computer while you read this, and if you offend easily, please do NOT read this! I’m sorry you offend easily – but that is a weakness on your part, not a limiting behavior on mine. Thick skin all the way, baby!
Editorial Note (2018): Most people who know me, know that I have no plans to bomb a geriatric care facility, but due to the violent nature of today’s society, I thought it would be important to spell out that this statement is meant tongue-in-cheek
1) The thing that pisses me off about twitter is that there is porn all over it now. But it’s not actual porn; It’s food porn. Or location porn. Or space porn. Or technology porn. Or rodents who run through the yard shitting on your hydrangeas porn. Porn USED to mean two or more people being filmed while fucking. Now it seems on twitter it is taken to mean “the most beautiful, amazing, desirable photo within a category.” Fuck you assholes and your faux porn. Porn = people fucking, not a goddam sunset. When you can show me a video of Mount Saint Helens engaged in copulatory behavior with the Grand Canyon, and Mount Saint Helens erupting in a climax of gooey lava-jiz all over the Grand Canyon’s face, then you can title it, “location porn.” Until then, get your dumb shit the fuck off my twitter feed, please!!
2) I’m sure I’ve addressed this before, but pictures featuring your super-large breasts (which I love, by the way) are going to get my super-enthusiastic comments! I don’t care who you are, or how old you are. My eyes do not discriminate tits. So if you are 15 years old, and you have huge tits, and you post them on instagram, don’t be surprised if I say, “damn, those are some nice titties!” Get this straight right now: I am not on the hunt for your luscious jugs! I looked at MY HOME PAGE and THERE WERE THE TITS! You brought the tits to me! So don’t be surprised if one day you see, “Hey, such and such, I was scrolling through my instagram feed and I saw these ginormous orbs that were begging me to put my hard cock between them and give hem a nice Hawaiian muscle fuck until my hot spunk went all over the attached neck. Then I scrolled up a little more and saw your face and realized I’ma get thrown into prison for that shit and I’m not okay with that. As nice as your tits are they are not worth going to prison, losing my career, marriage, family, or being placed on the sex-offender list. They are nice, though, I give you that.
3) Foursquare users, please learn the difference between a tip and a comment. For those of you who have never used foursquare, part of the service enables people to leave tips at a venue. So if you frequent a restaurant, and you want to tell other patrons which dishes are the best, you might leave a tip such as, “Try the shrimp scampi, but only when Mario is cooking.” If a venue doesn’t have any tips, it says, “Be the first to leave a tip here!” Here’s where the problem starts. Everyone wants to be the first to review whatever it is that the venue has, so nobody makes it a point to ensure that whatever they say has any meaning whatsoever. So I’ve checked into the Ocean Community Y in Westerly, RI, and I’m about to get my exercise on, and I see a ‘tip’ at the bottom of the page. “Love the pool, so refreshing!” by Shana D. Well what this idiot doesn’t seem to understand is that this is NOT a tip, it is a comment! What is she saying? I should swim in the pool because it’s refreshing? Newsflash: ALL POOLS ARE REFRESHING! If I feel like swimming in the pool I know I can, because that is why I have a membership! Now if you want to tell me that the best time to swim laps is 11:30am because it’s dead and I can get a lane to myself, now THAT is a tip! Another fucking IDIOT, Annette H, had this to say at the Hoxie Scenic overlook on I-95, overlooking the Mystic River: “Good place to take in view and stretch your legs.” You don’t say? A good place to take in view? I would have never suspected that would be the case of a venue called HOXIE SCENIC OVERLOOK! To tell me it’s a great place to take in view is like telling me to catch one of 24 movies at AMC’s megaplex. No shit sherlock, why the fuck else would I be there? And stretch your legs? Please! You can strecth your legs anywhere. Why don’t you just make a countrywide venue called “outside of my cramped-ass piece of shit automobile” and check into that every day? Because that’s also a good place to stretch your legs. Now had you told me, “beware of the Hoxie overlook on weekday afternoons, cops hide there and give out tickets,” NOW you’ve left a tip. I probably won’t discover it until it’s too late, but that’s not important here. One more of these: Karen S. recommends that, when you are at the Mystic Aquarium, you “Take your photo when you first walk in! Don’t forget to check them out in about an hour! 🙂 And what is worse, 15 people as of the writing of this email have “done” this. When someone leaves a tip, you can check the “done” box saying that you have followed that person’s sage advice, as if to lend a little creedence to the person’s fine tip leaving skills. Alas, there is NO merit behind this tip. The purpose of a tip is to direct another person to an activity in this case which might not be obvious. Once again I direct you to a restaurant menu, you might want to know what the best food is on the menu (the server is supposed to say that everything is good, or they’re not a very effective employee.) You might go to a venue where they have some hard-to-find activities and you could direct them there. But at the Mystic Aquarium, you cannot enter without going through the location where they take your picture. In fact, if you don’t want your picture taken, you actually have to tell them NOT to take it! So telling me to have my picture taken is pointless! And then this idiot is telling me not to forget to check the photos out? I sincerely doubt that if the person who had their picture taken is forgetful, that your tip is going to remind them. Finally, the fact that they’re ready in about an hour WOULD be a good tip – if the asshole taking your photo didn’t actually tell you they’d be ready in an hour! Your tip – a waste of time! Speaking of a waste of time, Michael M wrote on the venue of Prime Time Cafe in downtown Pawcatuck, “Come on down to wind down the day – Happy Time and stay for dinner, which I still need to do here!” What is he saying here? This place – I haven’t tried it – but you try it, let me know how it goes! No tip or advertisement or comment has merit if you admittedly haven’t done the thing for which you are giving the advice, you dumbass.
4) Foursquare inventors, let us discuss the definition of the word, “steal.” (v) it means to take for ones own, something not given to one with expressed permission. So when I become the mayor of a place, stop telling me I “stole” the mayorship. Your app has allowed me to take it by being the person who checks in the most in a 60-day period. Therefore I earned it. You wouldn’t say Emmitt Smith “stole” the rushing title from Walter Payton. Walter had x # yards, Emmitt needed x + 1 to be the #1 rusher of all time. Likewise, if you have x checkins in 60 days, I get x + 1, now I’m the fucking mayor, bitch! I didn’t steal it, I followed the rules to obtain it!
5) Now I’m sure we’ve all done this at some point or another – checking into a venue that you didn’t really enter. In Mystic, when I go to Starbucks I’ll usually check into the aquarium, and vice versa. Sometimes a venue will offer a “Mayor’s special” to the mayor, so it is worth it to check in every day just from outside so you can capture that special. It’s not ideal, but it’s part of the game, like it or not. But if you really want to avoid showing what a lizardcock you are, don’t check into venues that are closed! I got ousted as mayor from “Here’s the Scoop” ice cream shop – in December! The fucking venue is 4 months away from opening for the season, yet this dipshit (Jason A., he is actually in my 4sq friends list) somehow checks in. Listen, it’s one thing if you’re going to check into a venue that you’re standing in front of but not patronizing because it is at least plausiable that you went in there. But checking into a place that won’t be open for several months makes you look like you’re a desperate fool with nothing better than to do but become the fictitious mayor of a bunch of lousy storefronts.
6) Employees – if you work somewhere, please stop checking in to that venue. You’re ruining the whole thing, dipshit! Obviously an employee can check in more often than a customer seeing as how they are present at the job 5 or more days a week! Unless you work in a place where the customers are present just as often as the employees (such as a school) then knock it off. When we check in and see that a mayor is an employee, we think you’re lame.
And of Course my favorite target of all, facebook:
7) All these fucking links are getting ridiculous. It now seems as if EVERY post is a stupid link of the following nature: “This guy blew his load right up his girlfriend’s left nostril! What she did next will ASTOUND you!” Since joining Facebook in 2005 and starting to use it in 2006, I have never, ever, EVER once been astounded BY ANY LINK I have ever seen on Facebook. NONE. ZERO. Your links are uninteresting, not informative, and the information passed off as actual news comes from a completely laughable source. Grow a brain and get a life, please.
8) Top x# lists. Look, I’m not going to claim to be the first one ever to do a top 10 list of something, but Facebook is inundated with them now. Pointless wastes of time, every single one of them. And if they just wanted to exist while I go about my business, that would be one thing. But then they have this stupid ass tagline to draw you in. “TOP 17 THINGS I HAVE SHOVED UP MY ASS” Then the next line in a smaller font reads, “You wouldn’t believe that #12 actually fit up there.” Now everyone needs to see what #12 is! OMG did he stick the Eiffel Tower up his poop chute? You fucking people, you are all like moths to a flame, you just can’t help clicking on this shit, can you? “TOP 35 ANGLE SHOTS OF SCARLETT JOHANSSEN’S CUNT.” #21 is EPIC! The only way any of these are epic is that they are epic wastes of time. Don’t you people have anything better to do? Isn’t there someone you could gratify orally?
9) Here’s one that comes in cycles. The “I wanna see if you’re reading my notes or just scrolling, so just leave me one word describing your day and then repost this so I can leave a word for you” bullshit. Let’s start this one with a question – how exactly does posting anything help you to discern between whether I have been scrolling or reading? Obviously people are reading your shit when they scroll. That is the point of scrolling – to get to the next fucking item on the goddam newsfeed! It’s just that…. maybe you should try a different approach than the “I say ‘jump’ and lets see how many people in my friends list are PATHETIC enough to ask, “how high?” You try to make it about who is actually your “friend” and who interacts with your wall, when all this request is, at best, is an insincere attempt to validate your Facebook existence. So let me invalidate it for you right now. If you have to resort to this type of horseshit to get responses, then you don’t deserve responses. You want people to comment your shit? Here’s how:
WRITE SOMETHING WORTHY OF A COMMENT!
Maybe the reason nobody has commented your shit for awhile is that nobody cares that you’re eating ice cream right now. Perhaps all of your friends have already seen on another person’s wall, and maybe even commented already, those hackneyed slogans that you keep posting on your wall that come from “Fucktards need not apply” or “We Are Humanity” or “I fucking love science” or any of the other bullshit Facebook pages that leave an image with some sentimental/pseudopolitical message you’d like to pass on. Maybe nobody wants to spare the mental energy to figure out what you mean when you say that “you’re just done.” And I will NOT NOW OR EVER give you ONE WORD on how my day was. Not one! Because I know you don’t give a shit! You just want some sunshine blown up your ass when you realize “hey, I got 37 schmucks to post my wall today! I even got 15 of them to repost it! Not too shabby!” Fuck you.
10) I know I said this on the last one, but it doesn’t seem as if this has been happening less frequently, so… WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH ALL THE INVITATIONS? Why on earth would you ACTUALLY CARE if I play candy crush or not? STOP FUCKING INVITING ME YOU DOUCHE BAGS! Seriously, do you get a dollar for each of the clitclangers in your friends list you invite? Otherwise I can’t figure out why you keep doing it. STOP STOP STOP FUCKING STOP!!!!
11) Being one-dimensional. What annoys the shit out of me most is that you are NOT one-dimensional. A bore perhaps, but not one-dimensional. Listen, I get it. People are giving you a bunch of shit for being who you are. You’re gay, so all of your posts are in support of same-sex marriage, and shaming those dickless maggots who can’t stop quoting Leviticus to bring you down. Or perhaps you are someone who feels that public breastfeeding should be embraced, accepted, and unchallenged, but every time you see some article about someone who was harassed for feeding her baby, you have to share it. And every time I see your wall it’s one breastfeeding article after another. I GET IT. THESE PEOPLE SUCK ASS. Fuck these fucking fuckers! Look I don’t even have a problem with you posting these things. But can you talk about something else, too? Look, when you share these links you’re not changing anyone’s mind, okay. You are complaining to maybe 500 people who, in the grand scheme of things, have zero influence over anything. I’m in your friends list, presumably because we have something in common. If you’re gay, you know I am cool with that and I want you to have the exact same rights as everyone else. I do not need to see every scientific fact that shows being gay is not a choice (doesn’t matter anyway, even if it’s a choice I will still fight for your equal rights – rights do not depend on our choices, they depend on our citizenship.) I am totally for breastfeeding in public. Seriously, anytime a woman takes out a titty in public I’m a happy guy. Personally, I think women should be allowed to walk around shirtless if men are allowed to walk around shirtless. Who the hell wants to look at these hairy-backed shirtless gorillas anyway? With that in mind, if you are going to insist on showing me a video of every pigpube who gave someone shit for breastfeeding in public, then I insist that these things not constitute the only contents of your wall that make it to my newsfeed. And for you people who insist on bringing down our same-sex oriented citizens, as well as trying to impede that which is the beauty of public breastfeeding, double-fuck you. If not for your FUCKING STUPIDITY, I wouldn’t have to SEE THIS SHIT ALL DAY LONG. Remind me to smash you over the head with a tire iron next time I see you.