Ever wonder why I’m almost never on facebook anymore? It’s because you fucking people are sending me to an early grave, that’s why. You can’t help annoying the fucking shit out of me, can you? Here are ten more things that are going to cause me to violate any new gun control laws. Usual warnings apply – lots of cussing, very few kid-friendly passages within. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya!
Editorial Update (2018): If you didn’t read my other posts about FB, due to the seemingly endless incidents featuring gun violence in the US, I feel that I must stress that I am thoroughly joking about committing homicide.
1) People whose every post is some controversial political post – Why is it you think you’re going to convince anyone to adopt your viewpoint because you posted it? Most people know how you feel, and quite frankly, THEY DON’T GIVE THAT MUCH OF A SHIT. It is, however, apparent that you think very highly of your viewpoint – so highly of it that you must insist everyone adopt it. Hey Jack, you know that old adage, “opinions are like assholes, everybody has one?” Here’s that same adage, updated for the 21st century social media denizens: “Opinions are related to assholes. Those of us who won’t let the rest of us live without hearing their opinions ARE assholes.” Many of these people are the very dipshits who couldn’t even wait for the bodies of those poor Sandy Hook victims to get cold before posting their pro-gun agendas all over their page and everybody else’s. Hey, cockwipe, did it ever occur to you out of respect for the dead to shut the fuck up for a week? Your fucking opinion will be here in a week – those poor kids will NOT be! And don’t think that just because you posted an anti-gun message right after Sandy Hook that you’re ANY BETTER. You’re not! The victims and their families deserve empathy and peace. Not a politically fueled fight based on the graves of their loved ones. SHUT THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK THE FUCK UP! These are the same cockknockers who, when they see one of their opinions on “someecards” they just can’t help but repost it! This one was my favorite: “Are my political posts bothering you? I figured choosing the next leader of our country was worth discussion. By all means, show me another picture of your dinner.” How is your Goddam political agenda more important than someone’s dinner? BOTH ARE OF MONUMENTAL DISINTEREST! But at least in the case of the person posting pictures of food, they’re not being a buttpipe like you are! So I’ll send you a picture of YOUR dinner – my ass – feel free to chow down!
2) People who defriend each other based on political posts. Folks, if you’re so much of a fucking douche that you would defriend someone because they carry a different viewpoint, please defriend me now! Here’s something you can do so that you never have to see their stupid politicial posts ever again, and not be a huge fucktard: Unfollow their news feed. Sure you won’t get to see those precious pictures of the deep dish moose balls with a side of jackal tartare they had for dinner, pictures their kids drew in class of monster cocks, or their entire family standing in front of the Philadelphia Feces Factory. But then you don’t have to get all annoyed by their stupid opinions either. And for me, that’s worth it. Besides, I went on the tour of the PA Shit Shack and it wasn’t all that.
3) People whose daily status is a recap of their entire fucking day. Now we all know how important everybody thinks their statuses are, and it’s pretty well known that even if some people have nothing to say, they will eventually post about something that nobody gives two rats’ rectums about. But the ones I especially love are the posts that say something to this effect. “I got all my shit done today! I cleaned the shitstains out of my husband’s boxer- briefs, force-fed my little demons until they puked, Made a collage of snail penises in the shape of a shamrock on green poster paper (Happy St. Patrick’s day!) Now, if I can only get the dog to stop pissing all over the floor, I can get some sleep!” Wow. I was really hoping to give a shit! Maybe I should just turn off the computer and play with my dick some more. The first six words of your status were enough, really. What do you honestly think we’re going to take away from the detailed particulars of your mundane existence?
4) People who PROUDLY PROCLAIM that they are in the process of weeding out all the facebook jerks and if they care to retain membership in the sacred and exatled covenant that is their friends list, then they had better respond. First of all, do you not realize what a cock you sound like when you say that? You people have actually convinced yourselves that being in your friends list is like some badge of honor. Read this: Nobody gives a shit about you! There is nothing special about being in your friends list. Either I am one of the 700 dipshits who can read your stupid wall or I’m not. Either way, my life goes on! But that’s not really what is at the heart of the matter here. The problem is that even if for some reason I felt it necessary to save myself from being cast down with the facebook sodomites, I couldn’t. Because if I’m in your friends list, and you haven’t made any effort to contact me, I probably won’t see that message. What this means is that the very people for whom this message is intended WON’T SEE THE MESSAGE, and it’s largely your fault! That’s right – YOUR FAULT – well, yours, and facebook’s. If you haven’t realized it by now, facebook is not a social media service intended for you to keep in touch with people. It is an insidious advertising scheme intended to gather as much information about you as possible so they can sell you shit. You hit “like” on the Dallas Cowboys website? Well, guess what? Now you’re going to get bombarded by Dallas Cowboy ads. Did a search on Lexus automobiles while facebook was open? Well guess what kind of ads are popping up on fb for the next forever? That’s right, Lexus. And based on the people you follow, and the types of posts you interact with, facebook is going to show you on your newsfeed the people in your friends list with whom you interact most. Why? Because whatever it is you have in common is something they can use to advertise to you. They don’t care if you and Philip Fucknugget want to reconnect! Unless they can make a little cash off it. Then you, Philip Fucknugget, Phyllis Fartface, and Fallon Funguscunt can go have a fuckfest in front of the Philadelphia Feces Factory – and facebook will find a way to sell you memoirs of the entire experience. And so because your friendship with Shelly Shitwhistle doesn’t stand to make facebook any profit, then facebook has no reason to have you interact unless you both make it a point to do so. And facebook knows – you have way too many people in your friends list to do that on purpose. Every time I look in my friends list I see people on there I have nothing in common with and therefore have not interacted with in years. I DON’T BLAME THEM. I don’t vow to smite them from my digital life. I just let it be. Unless you’re so damn popular that you’ve reached the fb limit for friends (I think it’s 5000) then you have no reason to purge your list. TRUST ME, YOU’RE NOT THAT GREAT! The only one who benefits from your friendship is facebook, asswipe!
5) And for fuck sake STOP WITH THE GODDAM FUCKING INVITATIONS ALREADY!!!! Are you too fucking stupid not to send them to everyone? Or are you just doing it because you’re a fucking asshat? Either way, knock it off! I don’t want to play Zynga Slinga my jizz at your face, I don’t want you to add my pubic hair count to your friends list of pubes, and I don’t want to try “Shave my virtual vagina!” (Okay I lied, I do want to try that.) The next person who sends me an invitation to play some online fucking waste of time is going to get a computer virus that makes your monitor piss on your keyboard.
6) And when the hell is my friends list contingent going to grow a brain and be able to spot some bullshit link that, when you click on it, doesn’t give you the promised outcome? Because the promised outcome is completely ridiculous?! “OMG! Click here to watch Natalie Portman eat her own cooch!” And what do you dipshits do? You click on it!! And now every single person in your friends list knows you’re a dumb shit. Isn’t it obvious to you imbeciles yet which are the legitgimate links and which exist just to get likes and perhaps hijack your account information? God Damn, I need to start getting smarter friends. Stop laughing, asshole, I’m probably talking about you.
7) And for God’s sake, stop demanding that facebook have an app that tracks visitors to your profile! I have it on good authority that a chunk of facebook’s effort is to ensure that this NEVER happens. Do you not realize how much society would break down if people knew who was on their page? Jesus Christ, if the stalkers were revealed, nobody would want to be on FB anymore, and that would go against everything for which facebook exists.
8) Another thing that has to go. These FUCKING RIDICULOUS statuses asking me to do something incredibly pedestrian that they claim is impossible. Like “name a city in NY that doesn’t have an ‘E’ in it.” And you dipshits fall for it every time! I can’t see how it isn’t obvious that these posts are intended to trick the slow-of-thought into posting on what I am sure is some page that intends to capture your information under the guise of being some kind of fun “puzzle.” Here’s a puzzle for you imbeciles. 3 of 5 boroughs of NYC as well as the capital of the state of New York have no “e” in it, so you have to think for 30 seconds and try to figure out why they would ask in the first place if the answers are so obvious. I’m quite certain posts like these are a vehicle for weeding out the dim-witted for eventual extermination. Maybe its not such a bad thing.
9) Yet another class of morons that need to be penciled in for a visit from the grim reaper are these idiots that post a status question that can easily be found using any of the myriad search engines that exist on today’s information superhighway. How is it that you do not realize that the very same web browser that brought you to facebook will actually take you to google – where you can….. “google”….. that information? You know, depending upon where you went to high school maybe it was cool to be a complete fucking imbecile. But let me clue you in on something – there is no other venue where that is cool. NONE. How is it that the theory of natural selection has allowed these morons to continue their lineage? I guess being a complete fucking idiot must benefit society in some way.
10) And the last class of people who I’d like to drop kick into a swamp filled with hungry leeches are these people who post everything about themselves – more than you could ever want to know – and when you say something crafty that involves a personal detail they hit you with “TMI.” You know what, why don’t you go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself? Here I am, hoping someone can empathize with my mild testicular pain, and some asswipe says, “Isn’t that a little personal?” My response: “No more so than the sordid details of your messy divorce.” Seriously, when did my left nut pain become any less appropriate to talk about than how much money you owe “the cunt” every month or why the bitch gets to have the kids more often than you? I’m not saying we can’t talk about this shit – if I’m your friend, then I’m all in – for the good times and the bad. But if I can hear your rambling on about alimony or what a prick her new boyfriend is, you can hear about my ball sack. Friendship – be it facebook or otherwise, is a two-way street. I’m happy to hear about skank who gave you the red welts on your prick. But the moment you tell me something is TMI, you can go lick the sweaty spot between my upper-inner thigh and my scrotum. Speaking of my scrotum……