Ask and Ye Shall Receive- 10 MORE Things About Facebook That Will Eventually Drive Me to Commit Homicide

I am fed up with facebook and their shit. You know the only reason I use it is because it aggravates me to the point where I go from enjoying life one moment to contemplating taking a life the next. I figure anything so in control of my emotions deserves another rant written about it. So here goes. Do I even need to give warnings about swearing? You remember what the last one was like, don’t you? And remember, not to be taken personally, okay?! Some of you may do some of this shit and it’s quite possible I didn’t notice! So don’t open your mouths if you do, got it?!?! Now, presenting the 10 more things about facebook that will eventually drive me to commit homicide:

Editorial Update (2018): Again, if you didn’t read my last post about FB, due to the rash of gun violence in the US, I feel that I must stress that I am thoroughly joking about committing homicide.

1) OK – parents – this is for you. I understand that you’re probably not as good looking as you were before you had kids. Happens to all of us. But to make a facebook page and not represent it by YOUR face is false advertising! I know you love your kids, think they’re cute, blah blah fuckety blah, and if your profile pic must involve your kids, make it you POSING with your kids! How many times have you actually thought, “Well my facebook just isn’t complete without Pat Magroin…” When you go to add the sumbitch, and 257 Pat Magroins appear, it would be nice to match Pat’s profile…. WITH HIS FUCKING FACE! I’VE LIKELY NEVER MET PAT’S KIDS AND SO NOW WE’LL never be fb friends! Come to think of it, probably not much of a loss there.

2) And please, STOP posting some obscure pseudo-philosophical drivel and then telling me to “repost if I agree.” Get the FUCK off of my webspace and quit telling me what to do, you cunt! I don’t appreciate you having the conceit to make it look like my not reposting your verbal shitstains is tantamount to disagreeing with you. But that isn’t even the real issue – that you DO NOT get to tell me what to post on MY status! I will post on my status what I want! Not what YOU want! I don’t tell you which parking spot to park in or which fork to use or which toilet in your house you should crap in or which position you should nail your spouse in. Why should you get to tell me what to post as my status? You just want your contrived, shallow, frivolous poppycock to show up on everyone’s page, but expending enough effort only to write it on your own page. Well FUCK YOU, you lazy cocksucker! You want it posted on my page? Get off your lazy ass and post it on my page! I might even have enough courtesy not to delete the fucking thing!

3) And where did all these fucking games that pit me against my friends come from? Does everything have to be a competition? Isn’t facebook enough of a competition where I have to see how many fake friends I have in comparison to the ones that the dipshits I went to school with who have been adding (and not interacting with) me have? You know so I can feel more important than them? Fuck this shit, can’t we play a game where we help each other score points? Oh they have that… it’s called farmville? FUCK that!

4) This one might be related to showing me the shit my friends like, but here’s something fb has been pissing me off on for a long time – friendfinder. “Scott, use friendfinder – 12 of your friends, like cock loadblower and twat drippydrap found their friends this way, so why can’t you? You want to use friendfinder, you need to use friendfinder.” Like they’re trying to hypnotize me. Fuck this, I don’t need to be “peer pressured” into using an app! Didn’t apple do this to 90% of everybody, make their shit like a fashion statement so if you don’t have it, you lick balls? Well the one problem is, friendfinder can’t make music! So eat my ass friendfinder, I don’t care how the fucksticks in my friends list found their other friends. Let me borrow something along the lines of what my parents used to say. If you send me a message that says “14 of your friends have jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge,” does that mean I should do it? Don’t laugh, you know it’s gonna happen at some point.

5) And now facebook has me comparing things I like! Whatever I “like” on my page I now have to vote for which one I like better? “Hey Scott, you’ve been to Roscoe’s Chicken & Pussy and The Slut Hut. Which one do you like better?” As if you really fucking care. This whole thng is getting pointless. POINTLESS! Jesus Christ Mark Zuckerberg, do you and the douche bags that work for you have nothing better to do than to program nonsense into your website? I used to do that too, 12 years ago, on this very website, Except I didn’t have 98 gazillion users, asswipe!

6) Oh and for you people who fashion yourselves as political intellectuals…. facebook is NOT a good source of information. You fuckin act like shit your dipshit friends told you carries any weight. It doesn’t. It’s social media. You socialize with dumbasses, you get shitty info and worthless opinions. Need any more on that?

7) Speaking of politics, you mother fucking democrats and fucking republican cocksuckers, stop using MY facebook to peddle your left and right wing agendas! I am not fooled at all. You politicians have made it impossible to determine who is actually doing what, to the point where someone who is completely neutral and a fucking genius (yeah motherfucker I am talking about me!!!) can’t even figure it out. One side slants whatever bullshit is happening to make it look like it’s the other side’s fault. So when you tell me on my fb page that you want me to “Stop Karl Rove’s Lies,” it makes me want to find out where you live and hack your nuts off with a lug wrench! Fuck you! You think just because I like Obama that I’m going to throw in with your liberal-ass bullshit?! And you conservatives stop agreeing with me you whores! You’re a bunch of douche bags, too! In fact you’re bigger douche bags! None of you bastards are going to do anything to help the middle class, so get the FUCK off my middle-class facebook page! What, I can’t “like” Barack without you thinking I’m some kind of democrat/liberal sympathizer? I like Elton John, doesn’t mean I want a dick in my mouth.

8) Here are some more issues I have with people and their fucking pictures. Is it really necessary for you to fill each album with 100+ pictures? What the fuck is wrong with you, do you actually think people are interested in your ugly ass standing on a rock? Listen, if all you’ve got is pictures of you on a rock, then fine, make a 5-picture album and be done with it. But if you’ve just visited England, show us you at Big Ben, The Tower of London, Stonehenge, The Eye, Buckingham Palace, Wembley Stadium, Westminster Abbey, and in front of that awkward Avenue Q poster they have in the “tubes.” You can leave out the one of you on an empty sidestreet or in an open field. You can forego the one of you shoving a tulip up your ass. We don’t need to see you shaving your twat. We’re not interested in your hotel bedroom unless you stayed in a fucking monster party suite and there are naked chicks everywhere. Got that? 96 photos per album = pointless and too fucking many = you wasting your Goddam time not to mention everyone else’s.

9) And I swear you fucking people had better start using the relationship status correctly before I get out my rocket launcher. The next person that says they’re “married” to their best friend is going to get a hatchet to the face. Even fucking adults are saying they’re “engaged” or “married” to someone they just started dating! You’re not fucking married! You did not have a ceremony or start cohabitating, share bills, and deal successfully with the shit marriage throws at your ass EVERY DAY! Some people think that marriage would be ruined by same sex couples? Get the fuck outta here! Facebook has ruined marriage by letting any asshole say they’re married when they’re not. CLEARLY that is more of a threat to marriage than anything else!

10) And finally, stop doing pointless things to champion some cause. You want me to make my profile picture into a turd to support people who have had the shit beaten out of them. You know what you should do? Go volunteer at a battered women’s shelter. But no, you don’t have the desire to do anything that would actually take up some of your precious time. So you make this meaningless gesture, you feel noble, and make those of us who have realized the stupidity in this empty gesture to feel bad because we will not follow suit. You know what, I am done cussin’ at you people. You know what happens when you change your profile picture for 3 days? You have a different picture. That’s it. Nobody has any clue as to how that helps whatever cause you’re talking about. But they say, “Hey, I want to help victims of abuse, too” and they change their profile pic. Soon, everybody’s profile pic is a piece of fecal matter, and some news outlet catches on and prints the headline, “the day facebook went to shit.” When they finally figure out why there are 10 million fb pages whose profile picture is a piece of crap, they contact the battered women’s shelter and say, “Hey ladies, did you know that 10 million facebook users are sending their support?” and they reply, “how?” and they say, “by turning their facebook pages to shit.” You know what they say to that? How about some money. How about you come down and spend time with us. Teach us to play the piano. Help me get the bloodstains out of my clothes. Lend me your cell phone and let me call my kid, who is staying with his grandparents, and tell them mommy will be home as soon as they put her face back together. No, you changed your profile picture. Congratulations. IT HELPED NOBODY, ASSHOLE!! So if I refuse to change my profile picture, please don’t assume I don’t support the cause for which you have requested the change. In fact, I very likely am interested in championing said cause. However, by NOT doing whatever it is you’re asking me to do, I AM supporting the cause – by not giving false hope to the people it represents, and by not adding to the collective stupidity that is our society on facebook.

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