10 Things About Facebook That Will Eventually Drive Me To Commit Homicide

Well, it’s that time again – the end of the school year, which means I have a lot of time alone with my thoughts. This is a very dangerous thing, as you know my thoughts are typically pretty evil. So here I give you the return of my lists of ten! I know I have a lot of people in my friends list that I am actually close to that may violate these on occasion – or often. Don’t let that throw you, I’m not singling you out. in fact, if you didn’t do these things, I wouldn’t have anything to write about, and think about how much less interesting your day would have been once you get to the end of this.

Standard warnings apply. I’ve been in a particularly angry mood so there is a LOT of swearing here. I could probably clean some of it up, but I just don’t feel like it. It’s very early-20s me, so those of you who are serious about never wanting me to change will enjoy this one. This list is replete with offensive slang, sexual innuendos, and crude anecdotes – your basic “me” post. If you offend easily, or if you think you might take any of this to heart, please stop reading right now! You have been warned! Editorial Update (2018): Given the recent epidemic of violence and school shootings in the US, I feel that I must stress that I am thoroughly joking about committing homicide.

1) I hate – HATE – these statuses that pop up from people who I friend requested but they didn’t respond to it. “Custy Slutterson is now friends with Asshat Douchenozzleberg and five other fucktards.” What the fuck? THOSE friend requests you approve but you leave MY ass in limbo? Bitch, if you’re not gonna approve me within a month, deny the Goddam request! In fact, when you see my ugly ass come across your screen, if your initial reaction isn’t, “I LOVE this fucking guy – approved!” then I don’t want to be your friend. I do NOT need your facebook friendship that badly. I CERTAINLY don’t need your shit popping up on my fb as a constant reminder that you’re dissin my ass! Fuck you!

2) And here’s something on those people who friend me, I accept the request, and then never hear from them again. What are you doing, COLLECTING friends, you douche?? Well fuck off, I don’t want to be added to your collection, I ain’t a fucking baseball card. And I understand that you can’t possibly keep in touch with all 500+ of your friends at once, but the least you could do is make some contact with me around the time you friended me. Here’s the deal – if you friend me, you have 2 weeks to initiate contact – a message, like my status or comment a photo – DO SOMETHING! Otherwise I’m tossing your ass into facebook purgatory.

3) And this message goes especially for you precious former students of mine who add me on facebook and think I’m going to conduct myself as some kind of GROWN UP. What are you fucking crazy? What do you expect I’m going to do, post on your wall about the cosine of a 54 degree angle? Get the fuck out of here. I’m an asshole, and the sooner you realize that the better! I act (somewhat) professional in the classroom because I have to. When I leave the classroom, I put on my cap with a big A on it, and become my usual asshole self! Don’t like it? De-friend me! I was fine before I accepted your friend request. I will be fine after!!!

4) And I SWEAR I’m about to snap and kill one of this stupid fucking guys with girlfriends/wives who post skimpy pictures of themselves on facebook but can’t seem to stomach the comments that people make about them. This probably comes from being friends with my former students who are now in college or working – typically young adults aged 19 – 23. I’m gonna have to start setting age limits before I start setting things on fire. So I have a friend in my FB who posts a picture of herself in a bikini. One guy goes, “Wow, You have great big…. morals! And I chimed in with, “She also has a huge pair of ….matching hoop earrings. A perfect set, I’d say.” so about 3 or four more guys jump on and say some similar shit. Then her dumbass boyfriend says “hey, show some respect, guys.” Ugh. I AM showing respect! I am showing a level of respect commensurate with the contents of this picture. I mean if you don’t like dudes commenting your girlfriend’s tits, you have two options: 1) Convince her not to post them – which you know you wouldn’t even try to do because a) if you did she would either deny you, showing how powerless you truly are in the relationship, or she’d just flat out dump your ass, and b) you want everyone to see her tits so you everyone can be jealous of what a sexy bitch your gf is. The only other choice: 2) Just deal with the fact that people are going to make comments. Those are the only two courses of action you have. But you want it both ways, don’t you? Well next time you want it both ways, let your girlfriend strap on a huge dildo and fuck you in the ass with it!! You know if I just out of the blue for no reason said, “hey (girl’s name), show me your fucking huge tits so I could jerk myself off and spackle the ceiling with my huge wads of mega-jizz, THEN, you’d have a case to say, “show some respect.” But I didn’t do that, because I am not looking to disrespect anyone. PERIOD! The fact is, if these things bother you, and your sig. other really cares how you feel on this, then she shouldn’t post them. Your argument is with HER. And if you and your gf can’t come to a consensus on this, don’t look to revoke my freedoms. Eat shit!

5) And stop “answering questions” about me! So some dipshit posted on my wall and it says, “Rick Trickledick answered a question about Scott,” but the fuckin thing told me I had to “unlock” the answer. So I answered a bunch of questions about other people in order to unlock it, without realizing that meant I was posting similar shit on other people’s pages. What the fuck is this bullshit?!?!?! I don’t care if you think I’m cute. I don’t care if you think I’d make a porno movie with Ann Coulter. And I’m sure you don’t care if I believe that you once stuck a waffle cone up your crusty cooter! Let’s hang the motherfucker who thought up this stupid app!

6) This one goes out to facebook. I don’t care if 10 of my friends like American Express! When the fuck did this shit start where I have to know all the shit that everyone in my friends list likes? And how come I never see anything like, “5 of your friends like having their pubes eaten off by a rainbow trout?” Because there are some sick fuckers out there, and I’m sure there are a few of them in MY friends list!

7) And another thing. I am not creeping your stupid profile. I post a comment on some bitch’s picture and I get flack for it. Listen. Stop being so self-important. Nobody gives a shit about your tired ass. I read MY news feed. If your dumbass comment, picture, or note comes across MY news feed, I may comment it in my usual unrestrained manner. If it doesn’t, THAT’S IT! I’m not looking through your profile. I’m a busy man who has lots of time-consuming shit (like writing this bullshit) to do. Get over yourself.

8) This one goes out to those people with nothing better to do than to keep changing their profile pic. And I’m not even talking about the ones that change them once a day. I mean the ones who change their pictures like once every half hour. FOR CHRIST’S SAKE GET A LIFE! WE KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE! We don’t need a different picture from a different vantage point showing you performing a different activity in a different location. Stick all your goddam photos in an album and if we want to see them we’ll make it a point to look for them! You shallow, vain, dimwitted twat!

9) And for Christ’s sake, who are all these douche bags who never post any of their own original thoughts, all they ever do is post a link to some shit that someone else said? it’s almost as if all they have to say is, “I agree with this prick, I disagree with that prick.” It’s just sad how people’s lack of originality is so apparent that it cannot even be hidden on facebook. Please. Stop with all the links. I’ve never seen so many fucking people with so little to say. Some might argue that this entire rant is a whole lot of words but I’m not really saying anything. And to that I would argue back that your opinions are baseless, have no value, and they smell like a skunk’s buttcrack.

10) And I swear if I see one more status that is every lyric to a song, someone is going to get impaled. Now I gotta figure out if you’ve got some bullshit message hidden in your status or if you just like a song. Fuck you, I don’t care what kind of mood you’re in. Give me one cleverly written line to a fantastic song. Don’t give me the entire Bohemian Fucking Rhapsody!

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