This week’s list is for those of you in the holiday spirit. You may be listening to some Christmas music as you read this. Yes, once Thanksiving comes and goes, the constant the bombardment by radio stations and department stores alike make sure I won’t get through the holiday season without hearing that depressing song by the waitresses or that ridiculous one about the stupid Christmas donkey. I bet it wasn’t always like this. I bet it all started when they took Christ out of Christmas. Because despite the fact that I do not celebrate Christmas, I find it difficult to say anything negative about any Christmas songs that revere Jesus Christ. For instance, you can’t really argue against the spiritual beauty of away in a manger, or the religious richness of “what child is this?” But all those songs about presents, and trees, and frolicking in the snow, when I listened to the words, I started hearing things I didn’t like. I found sexual innuendos, creepy holiday icons, and things that were just plain wrong. Here are ten sets of lyrics that I think they should change about holiday songs, and just so you don’t think I’m just ripping on Christians, I’ll even bust on Sandler a little bit for you at the end:
Song: Santa Claus is coming to town
1) Lyrics: “Oh, You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout.” –
First of all, is this REALLY a proper way to begin a joyous holiday song? By telling all the little kiddies that they’d “better watch out?” This is not how you prepare for the arrival of Santa Claus. This is what you tell someone before they put their dick in the neighborhood slut. “You better watch out” is a threat, not a the beginning of a Christmas Carol – sorry! Secondly – Crying and pouting – are these the sole determinants of whether or not a child is naughty or nice? What if the child just lost a parent? You’re saying if he/she cries about it then he/she cannot have presents? I didn’t realize that jolly ol’ St. Nick was such a callous son of a bitch! The song doesn’t state any conditions under which crying/pouting is okay. What if I’m pouting playfully with someone? Can I trust a dude named Chris Cringle, a resident of the oh-so-chilly north pole, to make a distinction like that? I think not! So let me get this straight: If I go to school, knife a couple of classmates, take out my dick, piss on my teachers, and rape my dog, I can still get presents – as long as I don’t cry or pout about it. Nice.
2) Lyrics: “Santa Claus is coming.”
Dude! I didn’t wanna know that! Keep it between you and Mrs. Claus.
3) Lyrics: “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.”
Creepy. So some jolly fat guy knows when I’m awake and he can see when I’m sleeping? Is this Santa Claus or God we’re talking about? Because what if I have insomnia? While he’s using his powers to spy on me, the creepy fuck, the least he could do is sing me a lullabye. And you know, I had enough trouble as a boy trying to JERK OFF with all that “God is watching you” shit, now I gotta worry about God AND Santa? Now I have to walk on eggshells all year because TWO different invisible beings are watching me. You’d think that since they’re so “mystical” that one could watch while the other one plays solitaire online. You know, people-watch in shifts.
Song: Holly Jolly Christmas
4) Lyrics: “Oh ho the Mistletoe hung where you can see, somebody waits for you, kiss her once for me.”
Where I can see? I always thought the point of mistletoe was to trick someone into kissing you. Otherwise, why bother with it? if she wants to kiss you, you don’t need some dried up sprig as an excuse. Go get summa that! And don’t ask me to kiss someone for you. Get your own chick.
Song: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
5) Lyrics: “They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.”
I actually do not have a problem with this lyric so much as I have the nonsensical lyrical additive – “LIKE MONOPOLY!” How badly do I want to backhand those cretins who add that in? Reindeer would not be so boring and one-dimensional that their “reindeer games” would include monopoly. In fact, I’m pretty sure Rudolph would have said, “Well fuck you who the hell wants to play that stupid game?” Those who add that into the song are the same nitwits who can’t help but say “cha cha cha” at the end of every line of “Happy birthday.” Pray that I’m not carrying a loaded weapon the next time some imbecile who thinks he’s/she’s cute whips out these lyrics.
Song: Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas
6) Lyrics “From now on, Our troubles will be out of sight/miles away”
How is this possible? Statistics repeatedly show that most suicides occur around the holidays. You think just because a person got a few presents and sung a few carols that all the pain and hurt a person is feeling is going to disappear? Wishful thinking, but it doesn’t happen like that. The tone of this song is so sad and depressing, it actually brings my troubles CLOSER! The poetic thing about this song is that it was made popular originally by Judy Garland, a woman who OD’d on drugs at age 47. While the overdose was accidental, I’m sure her troubles were MILES away.
Song: Winter Wonderland
7) Lyrics: “Later on we’ll conspire while we dream by the fire to face unafraid the plans that we’ve made walking in the winter wonderland.”
Try and follow the logic in this argument. This line comes near the end of the song – after they’ve already walked in the winter wonderland. So what they’re saying is that later on they’re going to conspire to face, unafraid the plans that they’ve already fulfilled. Does this sound to you like sombody has the process backward? First you conspire. Then you face your plans – unafraid. What’s with that word, anyway? Why would be be afriad in the first place? Who might we see in the ‘winter wonderland?’ Freddy Krueger? Carolers, Well wishers, children playing in the snow, Parson Brown, and thousands of holiday decorations. Oh yeah, I’m quaking with fear.
Song: Twelve days of Christmas
8) Lyrics: Everything from eight maids-a-milking to twleve lords-a-leaping.” You are NOT allowed to buy people and give them as a gift. Oh, I can see you people now giving me crap about this one. “Well when she got the eleven ladies dancing, the gift was the dance they put on.” Right! Then the gift WASN’T eleven ladies dancing! It was a performance by eleven ladies! Not the ladies themselves! If I take my wife out to see Wicked on Broadway, I have not bought her 8 actresses acting. I bought her theatre tickets. Period. Fuck you!!
Song: Dominick the Donkey
9) Lyrics: “When Santa visits his paisans, with Dominick he’ll be. Because the reindeer cannot climb the hills of Italy.”
I don’t know if you’ve heard this, “Paisan,” but legend has it, the reindeer fly. I’ll say this slowly because since you’re Italian (or of Italian heritage, more likely, since the song is sung in English) if…. reindeer… fly…. that… means… they… don’t…. need…. to …. climb…. hills.
Song: Last Christmas
10) Lyrics: “Last Christmas I gave you my heart. The very next day you gave it away. This year to save me from tears, I’ll give it to someone special.”
And with that, the advent of the holiday re-gift. The present: George Michael’s heart. What the hell are you doing, man, giving your heart to some skank who gives it away? And why are you complaining about what they do with the gift you have given them? Listen, if you’re going to give someone a gift, give it freely. I don’t give my nephew the Kung Zhu Battle Arena and then tell him he’s allowed to use it only on a Tuesday. And what makes you think you’ll have it back this year? What if she gave your heart away to someone who is going to sell it on the black market? That shit is long gone. But at least you learned your lesson, right? No more giving your heart away on Christmas, right? Because you must have thought, at the time, the one you gave it to last year was “special” also, right? Wait, you’re going to give your heart away for Christmas again? Schmuck.
Honorable Mention: The Chanukah song (Adam Sandler)
11) Lyrics: “OJ Simpson, not a Jew, but guess who is, hall of Famer Rod Carew. He converted.”
Here’s a factual error. Rod Carew did not convert. He married a Jewish woman. I know that marrying into the Jewish religion may sometimes SEEM like conversion… but it’s not. Come on Adam, you could have researched that one! The Worldwide Web was not prominent then but it was there!
12) Lyric: “Paul Newman’s Half-Jewish, Goldie Hawn’s Half too.”
No such thing as a person who is half Jewish. There is such thing as a person with one Jewish parent and one non-Jewish parent. But you’re either Jewish or you’re not. No halfsies on religion. Race yes. Nationality, sort of. Religion, no. That said, I agree that they would have made some seriously fine-looking offspring together.