This is a list of 10 things I wish people would stop doing in supermarkets. 9 of these 10 abominations are perpetrated by customers, not people who actually work in supermarkets, so perhaps some of you are guilty of one or more of these offenses. Let’s just say that if this is the case, I am glad we do not shop in the same supermarket at the same time, or you would REALLY hear it from me! Merry Christmas!!
And FYI, NPO means “No Particular Order.”
How do people irritate or infuriate me in supermarkets? let me count the ways…
1) By leaving their wagons in parking spaces. 22 years ago when I worked in a supermarket, I kinda understood people not putting the wagons back – there were no corrals for wagons, and people would have to walk all the way back in cold weather often with small children in the car. Now we have wagon corrals all over the place. How many times did I want to shoot someone because I was pulling into a spot and I saw several wagons in it, so I either had to get out of my car and move the wagons, or find a new spot. It’s not necessary! Walk 15 feet to the corral and put your wagon away you lazy douche!
2) Paying by check. Can you please wake up and smell the 21st century?? What the hell are you doing with a checkbook? Nobody does that shit anymore! Use your freakin’ debit card, THE MONEY COMES FROM THE SAME ACCOUNT, MORON!!
3) By leaving their garbage on the shelves. So there I am in the cereal aisle looking for my Crunch Berries and between the boxes I find – an empty dunkin’ donuts coffee cup. WHAT!?! How could you be such a lazy piece of shit that you would walk past a dozen or so garbage cans to leave your crap on the shelf – near food I’m going to buy no less. How do I know you don’t sport a pair of dick lips?? Huh? I don’I want your dick lip infested refuse near my potential food.
4) By leaving food on the magazine rack at checkout – ESPECIALLY perishable food. This one I can’t figure out. If you don’t want something that you put in the cart by the time you get to checkout, just give it to the cashier and say, I don’t want this!” That’s it! Believe me folks, they have people working there, whose job partially entails putting stuff back on the shelf that people decide they don’t want at checkout. What are you afraid of? You think the cashier is going to give you shit because you had the EFFRONTERY to CHANGE YOUR MIND?!?!? Why can’t people think ahead? If you leave perishable food out in the magazine rack – and it perishes, SOMEONE has to eat the cost for that, either the supermarket or the supplier. If this continues to happen, and guess what the result is? Prices go up.
5) By telling the cashier their life story because instead of saying, “Happy Holiday” they mentioned a specific holiday. It’s gotten so bad that cashiers seemed afraid to say “Happy Thanksgiving,” as if someone was going to give them shit for it. Yet it actually happens. I was behind someone when the cashier said “Merry Christmas,” he actually started to say, “I celebrate Chanuk-” when I interjected “Let me stop you there, pal. She’s wishing you well, she doesn’t want to hear your life story. Get your groceries and go the fuck home.” I’m not usually evil to people but the fact that people can’t just take Merry Christmas and go on with their lives just pisses me off. I’m Jewish, and if someone wishes me Merry Christmas, I assume that they are telling me what holiday they celebrate. So I thank them for their good tidings, say “same to you” and move on with my life. They’re not going to remember me in 5 seconds, so why do they need to know my religious affiliation? Giving the cashier grief: unnecessary.
6) By leaving garbage in wagons. How many times have you pulled one wagon from another and get into the supermarket – you’re about to throw your first item in the wagon when you notice there is someone else’s shit in there! This is along the same lines as the dick lips cup, but now if I don’t feel like going all the way to get a new wagon, I have to throw out your shit and potentially come in contact with your lazy moron germs.
7) By spending all day in front of the one freezer door. Do us all a big favor – don’t approach the freezer door until you’ve located what you want and have decided how many of the item you will take. Some people spend in excess of 2 minutes blocking off one freezer door. What do you think is going to materialize in there, gold buillion? Get the hell out of my way, would you please?!
8) By being too lazy to bag their own shit. In a perfect world each line would have a bagger, but we all know shit happens throughout the day at the supermarket and not every line has someone there to bag. If they did, food would cost a lot more because they would have to pay some more people to bag. So if your line does not have a bagger, and you’re able bodied, get over to the bagging area and put your shit in the bag! How many times have I been stuck behind some lazy TWAT who sits there watching the cashier as they scan each item to make sure the right price comes up. We don’t all want to stand around in a supermarket with our thumbs up our ass – some of us have actual lives to lead (and shit like THIS to write!) With today’s systems the cashier can’t and probably shouldn’t do anything about it anyway. So you might as well look your receipt over afterward and go to customer service if there’s a problem. Stop wasting MY time and BAG YOUR SHIT!!
9) By being a supermarket that does not very well monitor sale and spoilage dates. Here’s a beef I have with some of the actual supermarkets themselves. The other morning my wife went out to the supermarket to buy products to make me chocolate chip pancakes with vanila and chocolate whipped cream and apricot syrup. After I had poured the syrup on my pancakes, I noticed the syrup had a little bit of a funny taste. Then I noticed the best by date. October 17, 2009. 2000 FUCKIN 9!! 13 months had gone by and not one person noticed this was WAY past it’s best by date? I understand if a product doesn’t move much if a couple weeks pass. BUT a YEAR?? Do your jobs, stock guys!
10) By involving the cashier in their meager arguments. I’m talking about you, express lane NAZIS! This is one of the many things I detested about being a cashier 22 years ago. A person in front of another person on line brings 14 items on the express line and the customer behind them gives the cashier shit! Your argument is with that cocksucker standing in front of you, not the cashier! But no, it’s so much easier to give a 16-year old kid grief than an adult who might be able to bitch slap your ass into a coma, now isn’t it? Because I guarantee that not a half hour earlier that same 16 year old kid had another schmuck in line with 14-15 items and he/she tried to redirect the customer to a different line and said schmuck gave the cashier an earful. The cashier is damned no matter what. So I tell the person yelling at the cashier to redirect their anger to the person causing the problem, and if they’re too much of a pussy to do that, I’ll gladly grab a few of the offending items and hurl them down the aisle. At least that way I’ll get through the line a little faster. Unless the person I just took items away from wants to fight, and that’s a different story entirely.