10 Gifts That Don’t Cost a Penny That Would Make Me Very Happy This Holiday Season

Black Friday is not one of those days that is taken lightly in my household. After we get back from Thanksgiving, my wife gets her one hour sleep and then leaves just before midnight to shop for bargains, wait on long lines, and buy all sorts of crap that we may or may not need, only to return home around 7/8am that morning. While I am happy with the discount she got on the iPad, I got to thinking about what I would REALLY like for Chanukah, other than the basic “happiness and good health to all my family and friends” thing or an endless supply of cash. If I could get the following gifts I would be really happy – and the best part of it is, it wouldn’t cost anyone a thing! Here is my list, in no particular order, of 10 things that would make me very happy this holiday season:

10) I would like Zachary to quit stomping, kicking and kneeing me in the balls. He seems to do this every day – most of the time inadvertently. In fact my wife is to the point where she’s saying, “If you don’t wear a cup, I don’t feel bad for you.” Can you believe that shit? And even better, this kid wants a sibling! I’ve tried to explain the mutual exclusivity of bruised nuts and future children, but I don’t seem to be getting through to him at all.

9) Disney, knock of the Disney Vault shit. This movie is out of the vault, that one is back in, we’re putting this one on blu ray. STOP IT! Either let us have the movies or don’t! Two words: bit torrent.

8) Every time I get into the workout groove, some mysterious pain occurs, likely a tendon or ligament issue. Not the kind of pain they mean when they say, “no pain, no gain.” The kind that means you gotta go home and ice that shit down. I stretch, warm up, progress through increased weight slowly, do everything right and it still happens! And it’s not me getting old, this has been happening for years and it saps my motivation. Stop telling me I need to exercise – it’s crippling me!

7) I want to see Chad Ochocinco get traded or released from the Bengals and sign with another team who has a Wide Receiver already with the number 85. I’d love to hear it on the news that he will now be known by the name “Chad Diecisiete.”

6) Next election, no attack ads. In fact, next election, let there be no ads at all. Then we can all save money and vote blindly for whichever dipshit has a cooler name, belongs to the party that most closely represents our own ideals, or will promise to mold everyone’s future into what we as individuals think their futures should be. Because apparently it doesn’t matter if we get involved locally with our politicians, research the candidates, find out who each person on the ballot is and what they represent, or look at the underlying messages in the attack ads. No, apparently all that matters is that we “Just go out and vote.”

5) iCarly – make some good episodes! I am no longer amused by this show. Only one Episode since “iFight Shelby Marx” didn’t completely suck (iGet Pranky.) This show seriously jumped the shark with “fan war.” Drivel! Here’s your next episode’s title – “iWanna Stop Sucking Ass.”

4) Force companies/individuals with which I presently do or formerly did business to succumb to the restrictions of the “Do Not Call list.” Whoever made them exempt from this rule obviously had no foresight into how companies like DirectV and Citicorp would take annoying to a whole new level.

3) I’m having an endoscopy done next week – the first in 11 years. I know I already said that “good health” was a given, but I’d really like to have a nice looking stomach and esophagus with no ulcers and nothing cancerous. I’m terrified of what they might find – I hope it’s just a few cheese doodles.

2) Ticks – can’t every single one of them in the world die all at once, and soon? I’m sick of being paranoid every time I find a tick on the dog – every itch, blister, scratch, and poke feels mlike a tick to me, and I’ve never had one attached! Seriously – I read “Parasites, biodiversity and ecosystem stability” by Claude Combes, and it doesn’t seem like they would be missed.

1) Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales – could you take your picture off EVERY F!@#$ng Wikipedia page, please? You’re not a bad looking dude, but you’re more overexposed than the Ben Affleck/ J-Lo affair was!

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