The Ordie Years, Article 4: Stop Piercing Your Baby Daughter’s Ears Or Die!

Back in the day when I was between jobs, I was into “domaining.” That is, buying top-level web domains, holding onto them for a few years, and selling them. One such domain was “” I decided while I own this domain I’d turn it into a webpage and write about stuff people do that piss me off. I gave it the tagline “A laundry list of complaints against the common man,” and the rant title was the subdomain for the URL. For example, this one was called “” I thought that was clever and it turned up nicely in searches. Seven articles were written for this page – four in 2003, and three in 2008. One of the 2003 articles was rewritten/updated in 2008 and will be included among the 2008 articles. Here is the fourth of the seven.


What’s the fuckin’ deal with people who have their daughter’s ears pierced when they’re like 3 months old? Is it really that painful to you that your newborn daughter looks more like a boy than a girl because she’s COMPLETELY BALD?! Look, she’s going to have hair in a few months. She’ll look like a girl, okay? I promise! Until then, dress the little twat up in pink, put a little butterfly clip in what little hair she does have, and always call her my sweet little GIRL in public. Why are you piercing her ears? For God’s sake you are boring holes in her flesh and cartilage! Maybe she isn’t going to want to pierce her ears. Shouldn’t this be a choice SHE makes when she is ready? While you’re making these choices for her, why don’t you just decide whether she’ll wear maxi pads or tampons? You can select her brand, too. Maybe you can figure out what sexual positions she’ll use once she loses her virginity, which I promise will be at least 5 years younger than what age YOU are planning.

She does not need to grow up so fast! Three-month-olds do not need to have earrings. When your daughter comes to you and says, “Mommy, Daddy, I want to have my ears pierced,” then and only then is it appropriate to do so. First its the pierced ears, then it’s makeup, short skirts, and the next thing you know, there’s a penis in her mouth, and she’s barely twelve. Instead of making decisions for her, how about talking to her and finding out what she wants to do and what she likes? Because the more you talk to your daughter, and the more she realizes that she has the power to make decisions in her life, the more you will become a positive influence on her. Henceforth, the less likely she will have a dick in her mouth before she’s ready.

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