My sense of humor was shaped when my parents allowed me to watch George Carlin’s stand-up routines and Mel Brooks’ movies at a young age. I learned how to be satirical while proving an underlying point, all the while being what most people would consider funny. Whether or not you find me funny, Carlin’s influence can be seen in my “Expressions I tire of” diatribes. In this latest installment, I have cited the nonpareil comedian, and expounded further on the concept where I found it particularly necessary. I hope you will enjoy “Even more Expressions and Things That I Tire Of.”
When an organization wants to sound official, they always seem to use the word “united” in the title. In the city, and on a weekly basis as a passenger of the PATH train, the train that links New York city with Northern New Jersey, I get accosted by people asking for donations to the “United Homeless Organization.” How the hell did united get in there? These fucking homeless people aren’t united! United means everybody standing together as one. We rise together, we fall together. Go offer a homeless guy a million dollars. Tell him “You can either feed all the homeless for one month, or you can take this money and live the good life.” What do you think he’s gonna say? “I’ll go back to sleeping in the fucking streets next month?” Hell fucking no! United my ass!!
Why is it that because I like to speak and write with a high level of grammatical efficiency that people say “You must have been an English major?” Even worse, if someone is majoring or has majored in English in college, they accord that person with the final say in all disputes regarding grammatical correctness. Let me tell you something about English majors: They ain’t all no good at English. Strictly speaking, you don’t learn grammar in college. You learn it in fucking high school. God forbid you should pay attention in high school and learn the difference between their/there/they’re and your/you’re. Your formal education in grammar ends in about 11th grade. After that, the only grammar you learn is when your college professor turns back that paper that you were so proud of with hundreds of those fucking red markings, making you feel like a total dipshit. Yet, in four English classes in college, I never got one red marking for grammar. Know why? Because I am particularly well read, and desipte my low C averages in English in high school, I seem to have retained what I was taught, unlike many who received higher grades who retained jack shit.
“I’VE NEVER GOTTEN ANY COMPLAINTS”
Women often say this in praise of their sexual prowess. You know that point where you’re hanging out with someone you’re attracted to but you haven’t had sex yet, and the sex conversation comes up? Often, the subject of oral sex is touched upon, and of her own oral abilities, you might hear a woman say, “I’ve never had any complaints.” First of all, not having any complaints is not praise. I didn’t complain to any of my bosses when I got fired from any of the myriad shit jobs I had growing up. But that doesn’t mean I liked being fired! Secondly, WHO in their RIGHT FUCKING MIND is going to complain about a blow job? What man would say, “Oh, shit, not another blow job! That’s the 4th one this week! I couldn’t possibly handle another orgasm!” If all you can say about your abilities is “I’ve never had any complaints,” you’d better start practicing, honey.
“DON’T SHIT WHERE YOU EAT”
In today’s co-ed workforce, you’re bound to run into a co-worker that you may like to date. Maybe you’d like to take her home and shag him/her rotten… or better yet, nail him/her at work. Some people have rules against that, though, because a failed relationship or bad sexual episode may cause problems at work. If you try to ask them out, they will tell you, “I don’t shit where I eat.” How graphically pleasant. I don’t shit where I eat. This metaphor is a little extreme. Whatever happened to “no?” If such colorful expressions are going to be used in everyday conversation, they should make complete sense. That is why this expression should NOT be used, because when you think about it, we DO shit where we eat. I eat at home, I shit at home. I eat at work, and sometimes I have to shit at work. And although I try not to, if I have to shit badly enough when in a restaurant, I’ll eventually find myself laying cable in its bathroom. Maybe we don’t shit DIRECTLY where we eat… but doesn’t that go without saying? When was the last time you heard someone say, “I couldn’t hold it, so I just shit right on the kitchen table?” Or when was the last time you poured your cereal into the toilet bowl, whipped out your spoon and started eating? It’s never happened to me, and I’m sure not to anyone normal. So the truth is, we really do shit where we eat. I guess that makes it ok to date your co-workers.
George Carlin already went on a diatribe about our overuse of the prefix pre. I feel, however, that he didn’t explain in enough detail (outside of the preheated oven example) WHY it is being misused so much. It seems to be misused mainly because people think that the prefix “pre” is short for, or interchangeable with, the word “previously.” For example, for some reason, car dealers have begun referring to “used” cars as “preowned.” Well, a preowned car is not a used car. A preowned car is a NEW car. “Pre” means the conditions that exist before (whatever we are attaching this prefix pre to.) Well, what was the car before it was ever owned? It was new! “Premarital” means before you’re married. Why does “Preowned” mean “it has been owned before?” It doesn’t, because preowned is a bullshit expression. A “preview” is all the shit they show you before the movie, but I also think a preview could be whatever you were doing before you decided to watch the movie. If you were jacking off in the bathroom just before the movie started, that was your personal movie preview. A “prefucked” girl is not a girl who has been fucked before. A “prefucked” girl is a virgin. If you are working toward something, you could use the word pre in conjunction with it. Hence, if you’re about to fuck someone, all the stuff you do with her before you slip her the sausage (the foreplay) could be considered “prefucking.”
“COME WITH… GO WITH”
When somebody tells me that they’re going somewhere, sometimes they ask me if I want to “come with.” Other times if I’m going somewhere, people will ask if they can “go with.” When did we get so fucking lazy in this country that we can’t even finish our fucking sentences? I’ll say, “You can go with… with my foot in your ass!” Better yet, they can stay with… with their stupidity and think about what idiots they sound like. What’s next, a lazy way to cuss people out? “You can go fuck!” “Kiss my!” “Why don’t you go take a long fucking walk off a short!?”
“I’M GOING TO OPEN UP A CAN OF WHOOP-ASS”
People say that they’re going to, “open up a can of whoop-ass” when they intend to deliver a beating. Forgive me for not quaking in my work boots, but.. a can of whoop ass? Let me get this straight; you, for some reason, are pissed off at me, so you’re gonna open up a fucking can? How big is a can of whoop ass? 12 oz.? I’m sorry, but a can of whoop-ass doesn’t sound like it’s gonna do much damage. In fact, while your two hands are occupied with that can, I’ll have already smacked the shit out of you. You probably won’t even have time to open the fucking thing. The least you could do is offer a two liter bottle of whoop ass. I might actually worry ever so slightly about that one. But – the bigger the container of whoop-ass, the longer it’s going to take to open it – and the better chance I’ll have of kicking YOUR ass. Maybe we shouldn’t seek to contain the whoop-ass. Maybe, and this is but untested speculation here, whoop-ass would be better served on a platter. Think about it… after you serve a platter of whoop-ass, you can hit the bastard over the fucking head with the big metal tray!
A WHOLE NOTHER
You’ll hear people say this when they want to talk about two issues that have nothing to do with each other, but perhaps tie into something common (maybe two things that they’re pissed at YOU for.) “That’s one thing. This is a whole nother thing.” Now wait a second. “A whole nother” would seem to imply that there can be partial nothers. Like a half or quarter nother. But exactly what is “nother?” The word is another, not a nother. You don’t take words and split them up, just because they start with the letter ‘a.’ Keep the words in the English language together, notherfucker!
“WORSE COMES TO WORSE”
The actual expression is “Worse comes to Worst,” but we’ll deal with that in a moment. You will hear someone utter this nonsense when speaking hypothetically about possible future events. “We’ll take the canoe and go white water rafting. A hurricane might hit, but worse comes to worse we can hole up somewhere and camp.” Now first of all, I’d like to start by pointing out that you cannot start out with worse. How can worse come to worse? You need to start with good or bad, and then get worse. Worse is a word that needs to be compared to something else. “Ever since I put my shlong in Penny Tration’s snatch, it has felt worse than normal.” Here we are making a comparison between the way my shlong feels normally (probably pretty good,) and the way it has felt ever since Penny got a hold of it (worse.) You won’t be making any sense if you just say, “My shlong is feeling worse.” Secondly, worse comes to worse is too vague. How much worse than worse is worse? We have no frame for comparison. Worse than worse may not be much worse at all. Or it can be a lot worse. Not specific enough to be considered a REAL expression. OK, now to deal with the actual expression, worse comes to WORST. It should be a crime to use this expression with such indifference, because no matter how bad you have it, it can ALWAYS get worse. No matter where you start, it will NEVER come to Worst! So you’re out white water rafting. A hurricane hits. You hole up and camp. That’s it? That’s worst? Get outta here! What if your balls turn purple? That’s worse than the same scenario with just a hurricane. And suppose you grow a tit between your butt cheeks, AND you have purple nuts. Isn’t that even worse? Now, what if you go out white water rafting, the hurricane hits, and you capsize and die? Isn’t that even worse? I mean, the tit between your butt cheeks can be surgically removed. It’ll cost you, but it can be done. But do you think you will be brought back from the dead, after you’ve drowned? Now, you can go out white water rafting, capsize and die, and then the sun could explode. Then we’d all die. And that would be worst, right? Wrong! When we all die, stuff will be cool again. We just won’t be around to see it. Therefore, worse can never come to worst! Of course, if you believe that analogy to mark me as cynical, that’s fine. If worse comes to worst, you could just stop reading my articles. But that’s really a whole nother story.