I am a people person. This is not to say I like all people, as I certainly don’t. But I enjoy most people on an individual basis. That said, it would really help me out if all of the people I come in contact with on a regular basis would read this article. Because there are things that people have been saying that drive me bat shit! I could really enjoy talking to people and not hearing the following erroneous figures of speech emanating from their oral orifice.
“I’M SINGLE NOW!”
It may seem awfully nit-picky, but too many people misuse and abuse the word “single.” It does NOT mean “unattached!” It means NOT MARRIED! People break up with their boy/girlfriends and say that they’re single now, as if anything has changed. Nothing’s changed… you’ve always been single! And now you’re being singularly stupid! In fact, some people who are not married are not single either, such as divorced people. Only people who were never married can be single. Strictly speaking, widowed people are not single either, no matter how young they were when they were widowed. However, the “widowed” option is left off of some questionnaires to be symathetic to those recently widowed, and thus these people are left with no option but to consider themselves single for the purposes of the questionnaire. It intrigues me how a word whose definition in this case is so specific gets used so loosely.
“YOU NEVER KNOW”
How could you never know? Why do people say that? In point of fact, through my experiences not only do I not never know, but if I didn’t know it at first, I picked up that knowledge somewhere along the line. It would seem to me that you would have to be really stupid never to know. The only time “You never know” seems to apply is when you’re talking about stuff that has already happened. Like if you purchase the quick pick in the lottery every week, and one week you forget to buy one. Now you’ll never know if that computer would have selected the winning numbers for you. Completely logical. In fact, the new york lottery’s slogan is.. “Hey, you never know.” How stupid is that? If I buy my ticket an hour before the numbers are drawn, no matter the outcome of the drawing, once the selected numbers are made publicly known I will know whether I did or did not win. How could they say that, with a ratio of one hour to forever, that the latter is comparatively smaller than the former so as to make it seem like never? Well, if you don’t understand what I said, then keep saying “you never know” like a fucking idiot.
“FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES”
Here’s one that I even hear intelligent people say; Exactly what does this mean? Here’s a typical manner in which you will hear this one spoken: “Even though my mother has a new boyfriend, for all intents and purposes I am still the man of the house.” Now isn’t every action carried out with an intent or a purpose.. or both? Yes. So if that is the case, why bother with the intents and purposes part? Couldn’t this sentence be better understood as, “Even though my mother has a new boyfriend, I’m still the man of the house.” In fact, if you want to lengthen your sentence with nonsense, it would be more colorful to say, “Even though my mother has a new boyfriend, if that prick tries to exert authority over me, I will bust his ass!” The truly dense believe the expression to be “For all intensive purposes.” Are these people for real? What the hell is an intensive purpose? Vaseline Intensive Care? Are these people trying to say, “For all purposes for which Vaseline is needed….” Wait a minute… maybe I don’t want to know.
“IT’S ALL GOOD”
I hate this one, especially because I say it all the time. I usually inject this into a conversation when I either don’t know what to say or I have nothing better to say. “It’s all good.” Really? How can it all be good? It would seem to me that someone who uses this expression should never have anything to complain about. After all, it’s ALL good, right? All means everything! So if you say “It’s all good,” and I kick you in the balls, you shouldn’t get mad at me… because being kicked in the balls is part of everything…which is all… and it’s all good!
“YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT, TOO”
No? Well then how the fuck are you supposed to eat it if you don’t have it? Am I supposed to be force-fed every time I eat cake? Having your cake is, for the most part a necessary occurrence in the cake consumption process. It goes like this: Pay for the cake, have the cake, eat the cake, digest the cake, excrete the cake, wipe your ass, flush the toilet. Although many people don’t realize that you can use the toilet and flush it, too, I think it’s a given that in order to eat cake, you must first have it in your possession.
“THE HELL WITH THAT, THE HELL I DO”
There are some expressions that make perfect sense until morons come along and fuck them up. If I say to you, “I will pay you and extra nickel to clean the toilets,” and you object, you might say, “The hell with that!” The expression is, “To hell with that.” In other words, “Take that shit to hell and get it the fuck out of my face!” That makes sense. But “The hell with that?” Is that to imply that it is already IN hell? That and hell are walking arm-in-arm down the street as close allies? I think not! And what about “The hell I do?” Does that mean you copulate with hell on a regular basis? Wouldn’t you burn your genitalia off? The expression is, “Like hell I do.” I might say to you, “You like to eat pigeon shit.” If you replied, “Like hell I do!” that means, “I like to eat pigeon shit as much as I want to go to hell.” Does anyone, if hell exists, really want to go there? Probably not. Because for whomever actually wants to go to hell, this expression means exactly the opposite.
THE SAME ARGUMENT ON BOTH SIDES OF THE CONDITIONAL
A lot of people say things like “I gotta do what I gotta do.” Do these people realize that they are saying absolutely nothing? It really makes me think about how we need to educate people against making such grossly stupid remarks. “If it’s good, it’s good.” No kidding! Thanks for telling me, I never would have known. Anyone who has taken set theory and logic or discreet math knows that you need not prove a conditional that has the same argument on each side. You see it first in 9th or 10th grade, when you take geometry, our friendly old A->B statement. This statement is called a conditional. It can be read several ways, but the most popular is “If A then B.” If A is the statement” It is raining,” and B is the statement “I will stay inside.” Then A->B is If it is raining, then I will stay inside. Now that I have digressed to the point of insanity, let’s return to that above statement. “If it’s good, it’s good.” Let A represent the statement, “It’s good.” Our conditional would read A->A. THIS IS A GIVEN AND IT LEADS YOU TO ABSOLUTELY NO CONCLUSION!! The reason you have an “if – then” conditional is to show that there is an outcome (B) if certain conditions are met(A). So let’s go back to the other statement. “If it’s raining, then it’s raining.” What does that mean? What is the outcome? Beats the shit out of me! It’s raining! That’s all we needed to say!! And that precious, “I gotta do what I gotta do” stuff has to go, too. Of course you gotta do what YOU gotta do! If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be YOU, you’d be someone else!!! I even heard one moron say “If I gotta do what I gotta do, then I gotta do what I gotta do.” ARGH!! Where are the really GOOD weapons when I need them??? Have I confused you? Do you understand the message I am trying to get across? You don’t? Oh well. What can I say? When you’re stupid, you’re stupid….